Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
