My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
