your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
