Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
