Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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