I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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