I wish I only lived at night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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