We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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