I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize