am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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