he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
