I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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