Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
