tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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