why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
