a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize