Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize