I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
