I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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