I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
How external is "for external use only"?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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