wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
