jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
