i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
