I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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