Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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