Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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