If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
