i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Someone came in the potted fern
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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