on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
