now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
