Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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