We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
