I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
