Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
