things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
