id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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