well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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