Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
