So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize