If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
