mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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