1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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