We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just pee around me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
