after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
