my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
