Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
