I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
