You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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