it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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