My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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