a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sext me about skeletons
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
