im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
