I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
