you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You're a waste of cheezeits
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
