dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
