watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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