i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
operation have a gay friend backfired
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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