i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
