i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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