After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
