i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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