I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
