can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
