if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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