dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
