I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
