I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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