i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize