Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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