my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
